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Feb. 24th, 2006 @ 08:53 pm Evil goes on!!!
What? You thought I was dead, just because I haven't lowered myself to post on this idiotic LiveJournal?

It's that kind of shortsided thinking that will lead to your precious civilization's destruction!

Oh, I will be back, puny ones. I CRUSH YOUR HEADS!!!
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Apr. 20th, 2005 @ 10:48 pm Alien Loves Predator
When I'm not busy eating children and setting fire to helpless newborns, I like to recline with a good comic strip as much as anybody. However, it can't just be the average everyday comic strip; "Peanuts" can go fuck itself, and "Garfield" needs a good nuclear bolt up the ass like nobody's business. But no, I've found a new, special comic strip that just gets me every time. You gotta check it out.


Any comic strip whose slogan is "In New York No One Can Hear You Scream" is gonna be brilliant. Starring Preston the Predator and Abe the Alien, these dudes could hang out at my pad any time. Boo yeah!
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Mar. 10th, 2005 @ 05:57 pm Make better movies, Naomi!

From today's NEW YORK POST:

"After shooting a scene in Oregon where a herd of deer attacked her car, Naomi (Watts) was a bit nonplussed when, on the civilized set of Universal Pictures, a deer appeared out of nowhere and lunged after her. She escaped and never solved the mystery of why she is deer bait." (New York Post, 3/10/05, p. 20)

I did it to send a message: "The Ring Two" better not suck as bad as the first one did. Don't make me come back!

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Mar. 1st, 2005 @ 06:02 pm "Bambi" sucks
Umm ... Am I the only one around here who thinks that "Bambi" completely sucks nuts?

Come on, people! The first 45 minutes are just Bambi acting like a complete wuss, running around with a frickin' rabbit and a skunk who are flower-sniffing retards with lame-ass songs. You know, Bambi's a hell of a lot bigger than them -- so why he doesn't just bitch-slap them both and tell them to go orally pleasure a polar bear is beyond me. Oh, wait -- yeah. It's because he's a DAMN PUSSY.

And then his mom gets shot. Well, boo hoo hoo. Life is tough, motherfucker. At least then he grows up and gets it on with this hot deer chick, which is all good -- but did they have to set it to that girly-man music? Get some porno music going, dude. It'd be truer to the moment. And "twitterpated?" What kind of lame-ass safe-for-the-little tykes word is that? Come on. Let's introduce the kids to some real-life lessons. He's HORNY, kiddies!

Finally we reach the big ending, when all the animals are running from the flames. So let me get this straight -- hunters burn everything down, and all these little pansies can do is run away. Gosh, did they cry themselves to sleep that night, too? I've set fire to plenty of forests in my day, and the cops always chase my ass. And if somebody set fire to MY forest, you can bet that their asses would be stuffed with pointy radioactive deeer antlers within seconds. DAMN, Bambi blows! No wonder it's Bart favorite prissy-boy little movie. Fuck Bambi. Fuck him in his lame polka-dotted ass. And fuck Disney too. I'm gonna go watch my "Dawn Of The Dead" DVD.
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Feb. 25th, 2005 @ 11:17 pm Cell phones
Fuck, dude. I can't believe all the leaked numbers on Paris Hilton's cell phone have already been changed. If I could have just gotten it a few days earlier ... I could have told that Vin Diesel what a fucking pussy he is. And called out Pauly Shore. Oh, yeah, and I could have called up Paris herself, and been like, "Hey, bitch. At the end of the day you are only good for one thing. So you just come over here, get down on your knees, pull your hair back ... and scrub my fucking floor." Oh, what did you think I was going to make her do? Shit, I'm already radioactive; I don't need even more diseases.

Although I could have called up that goddamned Lindsay Lohan and REALLY given her a piece of my mind. Finally settled the score. Challenge her to meet me at Toys R Us for a rematch. Damn it. People say I need to learn to let shit go. But damn it, I draw the line at people who are causing the world's destruction. Fuck if I'm gonna let anyone else do it before me.
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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 08:33 am Reindeer porn
Damn those adult bookstores. They say they have something for everybody. Well, when's the last time you saw reindeer porn? Hmmmm? It's kinda hard for a guy like me to, you know, relax when all I can get is crappy video of you pathetic humans and your mating rituals. Admittedly, the bondage stuff can be all right, but man ... Not a single doe in the mix.

I want to direct my own porno. I'd do a damn better job than those crappy directors you have now. Ol' Jake Steed will be running for his life when Rudolph jumps into the director's chair. My porno would be the first one to feature explosions, mutants and Santa Claus getting sodomized by rabid bears. And then, at the end of the movie, everyone would die. Which means that my movie would have cross-promotional appeal as both a porno and as a "Faces Of Death" flick. Man, why does no one ever contact me about this stuff? I still haven't heard back on my reality TV concept either. Hollywood sucks!
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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 06:03 pm Oscar sucks
Shit! The Oscar nominations came out today and "Dawn Of The Dead" got completely snubbed. Obviously no one visited that link I put up. Goddamnit, dooes no one around here listen? And what did they nominate in its place? Some fucking Leonardo DiCaprio movie. Oh, and let's not forget some trife called "Finding Neverland." Like I even WANT to find Michael Jackson's house. At least some boxing movie where Hilary Swank gets her ass kicked is in there. But it's not enough. I want zombies and death.
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Jan. 16th, 2005 @ 10:38 pm The best movie of 2004 ...
I understand the Academy Award nominations will be coming out this week. But I am in agreement with this guy, who seems to understand what the TRUE top movie of 2004 was:


Talk about a guy who truly gets what makes a great movie. Although I hate virtually everyone I meet online, he's all right. When the world is mine, he shall hold a place of honor in the slave camps.
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Jan. 11th, 2005 @ 03:25 am More titles!
I'm so excited about my reality-tv concept that I brainstormed some more titles for it!

Deer Factor
Who Wants To Beat A Millionaire
Nuke Till You Puke
Castration Island
No Survivor
Everybody Loves Rudolph

I was considering "Reindeer Games." But I figured there'd be confusion with that stupid Ben Affleck movie. Well, it wasn't that stupid. A lot of people died in it. But not nearly as many as there will be on my show. And I demand only the best. I RULE!
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Jan. 7th, 2005 @ 04:22 am Bounty hunters and reality TV
Dogg the Bounty Hunter is soooo overrated. I could totally kick his ass.

You know, there's always been talk of bounty hunters coming after me, what with my ruining Christmas and all. I guess some people were pissed about that. Not that it bothers me. I mean, everyone from Annihilator Bart to the FBI to Russell Crowe attempted to hunt me down, and Bart was the only one who left anything more than a bruise.(Although that Russell Crowe does have a mean left hook.) But I wish Dogg would come after me. Because I would SO open a can of whup-ass on him. (Hope he doesn't bring along that wife of his, though. She's kinda scary.) And you know what? I could do more than just whup him physically. I could kick his ass in TV ratings, too.

That's right -- I want to have my own reality TV show. "Rudolph The Impaler." Each episode, I pick somebody who pisses me off and needs to die. In the first five minutes, I get together with my team to discuss the battle plan. Except that I always work alone, so I kill everyone who's been assembled for said team. Then I fly off to track down my enemy. But first I have to build my weapon of choice, so we visit the set of "Monster Garage." Except that I don't like whatever they build me and kill the designer, then kick Jesse James' ass and tell him he better get his people to do it right next time. (I'd kill JJ too, but we'd need him for the next episode.) So then I fly off and get a hold of said person who I don't like, and carry him/her off to a deserted island where he has to pass "immunity challenges" to see whether he gets an extra day of life or not. For the immunity challenges, we use a jury of Randy, Paula and Simon -- well, except that Simon dies in the first episode, so we bring in Carrot Top. Wait. He'd have to die in the second episode. So it would be a rotating guest judge after that. One who always dies.

Once the target fails the immunity challenge -- which usually involves eating dead bugs or surviving horrible car stunts or watching episodes of "The Benefactor" -- I beat the shit out of him and then nuke him into oblivion with nuclear rays. Then, to end the episode, the producers bring out 15 different chicks who I get to choose from for my companion to go home with and retire. I slaughter all of them except for one, who I present with a black rose. Then I tell her "You're fired!" and I fry her too. And then I beat up Donald Trump.

It's a brilliant formula! Maybe I can pitch it to Discovery Channel. I already tried an agent at Fox, but he laughed at me. So I decapitated him. Now I have a reputation in the business of being, I dunno, hard to work with. You'd think I carry some showbiz clout what with that wretched "Rudolph" holiday special they show every year (where I have the world's most god-awful high-pitched voice, by the way -- what's that shit all about?), but noooooo. Ungrateful bastards.

Still, like I said -- if I can get this one through, I'll totally kick Dogg the Bounty Hunter's ass in the ratings. Man. It's so important to express your creative side through television.
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