Rudolph The Radioactive Reindeer

Evil goes on!!!

2006-02-25T02:52:57Z

What? You thought I was dead, just because I haven't lowered myself to post on this idiotic LiveJournal?

It's that kind of shortsided thinking that will lead to your precious civilization's destruction!

Oh, I will be back, puny ones. I CRUSH YOUR HEADS!!!

Alien Loves Predator

2005-04-21T02:57:29Z

When I'm not busy eating children and setting fire to helpless newborns, I like to recline with a good comic strip as much as anybody. However, it can't just be the average everyday comic strip; "Peanuts" can go fuck itself, and "Garfield" needs a good nuclear bolt up the ass like nobody's business. But no, I've found a new, special comic strip that just gets me every time. You gotta check it out.

www.alienlovespredator.com

Any comic strip whose slogan is "In New York No One Can Hear You Scream" is gonna be brilliant. Starring Preston the Predator and Abe the Alien, these dudes could hang out at my pad any time. Boo yeah!

Make better movies, Naomi!

2005-03-10T22:52:22Z

From today's NEW YORK POST:

"After shooting a scene in Oregon where a herd of deer attacked her car, Naomi (Watts) was a bit nonplussed when, on the civilized set of Universal Pictures, a deer appeared out of nowhere and lunged after her. She escaped and never solved the mystery of why she is deer bait." (New York Post, 3/10/05, p. 20)

I did it to send a message: "The Ring Two" better not suck as bad as the first one did. Don't make me come back!

"Bambi" sucks

2005-03-01T23:05:39Z

Umm ... Am I the only one around here who thinks that "Bambi" completely sucks nuts?

Come on, people! The first 45 minutes are just Bambi acting like a complete wuss, running around with a frickin' rabbit and a skunk who are flower-sniffing retards with lame-ass songs. You know, Bambi's a hell of a lot bigger than them -- so why he doesn't just bitch-slap them both and tell them to go orally pleasure a polar bear is beyond me. Oh, wait -- yeah. It's because he's a DAMN PUSSY.

And then his mom gets shot. Well, boo hoo hoo. Life is tough, motherfucker. At least then he grows up and gets it on with this hot deer chick, which is all good -- but did they have to set it to that girly-man music? Get some porno music going, dude. It'd be truer to the moment. And "twitterpated?" What kind of lame-ass safe-for-the-little tykes word is that? Come on. Let's introduce the kids to some real-life lessons. He's HORNY, kiddies!

Finally we reach the big ending, when all the animals are running from the flames. So let me get this straight -- hunters burn everything down, and all these little pansies can do is run away. Gosh, did they cry themselves to sleep that night, too? I've set fire to plenty of forests in my day, and the cops always chase my ass. And if somebody set fire to MY forest, you can bet that their asses would be stuffed with pointy radioactive deeer antlers within seconds. DAMN, Bambi blows! No wonder it's Bart favorite prissy-boy little movie. Fuck Bambi. Fuck him in his lame polka-dotted ass. And fuck Disney too. I'm gonna go watch my "Dawn Of The Dead" DVD.

Cell phones

2005-02-26T04:24:31Z

Fuck, dude. I can't believe all the leaked numbers on Paris Hilton's cell phone have already been changed. If I could have just gotten it a few days earlier ... I could have told that Vin Diesel what a fucking pussy he is. And called out Pauly Shore. Oh, yeah, and I could have called up Paris herself, and been like, "Hey, bitch. At the end of the day you are only good for one thing. So you just come over here, get down on your knees, pull your hair back ... and scrub my fucking floor." Oh, what did you think I was going to make her do? Shit, I'm already radioactive; I don't need even more diseases.

Although I could have called up that goddamned Lindsay Lohan and REALLY given her a piece of my mind. Finally settled the score. Challenge her to meet me at Toys R Us for a rematch. Damn it. People say I need to learn to let shit go. But damn it, I draw the line at people who are causing the world's destruction. Fuck if I'm gonna let anyone else do it before me.

Reindeer porn

2005-02-15T13:38:46Z

Damn those adult bookstores. They say they have something for everybody. Well, when's the last time you saw reindeer porn? Hmmmm? It's kinda hard for a guy like me to, you know, relax when all I can get is crappy video of you pathetic humans and your mating rituals. Admittedly, the bondage stuff can be all right, but man ... Not a single doe in the mix.

I want to direct my own porno. I'd do a damn better job than those crappy directors you have now. Ol' Jake Steed will be running for his life when Rudolph jumps into the director's chair. My porno would be the first one to feature explosions, mutants and Santa Claus getting sodomized by rabid bears. And then, at the end of the movie, everyone would die. Which means that my movie would have cross-promotional appeal as both a porno and as a "Faces Of Death" flick. Man, why does no one ever contact me about this stuff? I still haven't heard back on my reality TV concept either. Hollywood sucks!

Oscar sucks

2005-01-25T23:06:11Z

Shit! The Oscar nominations came out today and "Dawn Of The Dead" got completely snubbed. Obviously no one visited that link I put up. Goddamnit, dooes no one around here listen? And what did they nominate in its place? Some fucking Leonardo DiCaprio movie. Oh, and let's not forget some trife called "Finding Neverland." Like I even WANT to find Michael Jackson's house. At least some boxing movie where Hilary Swank gets her ass kicked is in there. But it's not enough. I want zombies and death.

The best movie of 2004 ...

2005-01-17T03:42:13Z

I understand the Academy Award nominations will be coming out this week. But I am in agreement with this guy, who seems to understand what the TRUE top movie of 2004 was:

http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=dawn_rules

Talk about a guy who truly gets what makes a great movie. Although I hate virtually everyone I meet online, he's all right. When the world is mine, he shall hold a place of honor in the slave camps.

More titles!

2005-01-11T08:29:51Z

I'm so excited about my reality-tv concept that I brainstormed some more titles for it!

Deer Factor
Who Wants To Beat A Millionaire
Nuke Till You Puke
Castration Island
No Survivor
Everybody Loves Rudolph

I was considering "Reindeer Games." But I figured there'd be confusion with that stupid Ben Affleck movie. Well, it wasn't that stupid. A lot of people died in it. But not nearly as many as there will be on my show. And I demand only the best. I RULE!

Bounty hunters and reality TV

2005-01-07T09:40:07Z

Dogg the Bounty Hunter is soooo overrated. I could totally kick his ass.

You know, there's always been talk of bounty hunters coming after me, what with my ruining Christmas and all. I guess some people were pissed about that. Not that it bothers me. I mean, everyone from Annihilator Bart to the FBI to Russell Crowe attempted to hunt me down, and Bart was the only one who left anything more than a bruise.(Although that Russell Crowe does have a mean left hook.) But I wish Dogg would come after me. Because I would SO open a can of whup-ass on him. (Hope he doesn't bring along that wife of his, though. She's kinda scary.) And you know what? I could do more than just whup him physically. I could kick his ass in TV ratings, too.

That's right -- I want to have my own reality TV show. "Rudolph The Impaler." Each episode, I pick somebody who pisses me off and needs to die. In the first five minutes, I get together with my team to discuss the battle plan. Except that I always work alone, so I kill everyone who's been assembled for said team. Then I fly off to track down my enemy. But first I have to build my weapon of choice, so we visit the set of "Monster Garage." Except that I don't like whatever they build me and kill the designer, then kick Jesse James' ass and tell him he better get his people to do it right next time. (I'd kill JJ too, but we'd need him for the next episode.) So then I fly off and get a hold of said person who I don't like, and carry him/her off to a deserted island where he has to pass "immunity challenges" to see whether he gets an extra day of life or not. For the immunity challenges, we use a jury of Randy, Paula and Simon -- well, except that Simon dies in the first episode, so we bring in Carrot Top. Wait. He'd have to die in the second episode. So it would be a rotating guest judge after that. One who always dies.

Once the target fails the immunity challenge -- which usually involves eating dead bugs or surviving horrible car stunts or watching episodes of "The Benefactor" -- I beat the shit out of him and then nuke him into oblivion with nuclear rays. Then, to end the episode, the producers bring out 15 different chicks who I get to choose from for my companion to go home with and retire. I slaughter all of them except for one, who I present with a black rose. Then I tell her "You're fired!" and I fry her too. And then I beat up Donald Trump.

It's a brilliant formula! Maybe I can pitch it to Discovery Channel. I already tried an agent at Fox, but he laughed at me. So I decapitated him. Now I have a reputation in the business of being, I dunno, hard to work with. You'd think I carry some showbiz clout what with that wretched "Rudolph" holiday special they show every year (where I have the world's most god-awful high-pitched voice, by the way -- what's that shit all about?), but noooooo. Ungrateful bastards.

Still, like I said -- if I can get this one through, I'll totally kick Dogg the Bounty Hunter's ass in the ratings. Man. It's so important to express your creative side through television.

Why won't my hooves stop stinging???

2005-01-04T00:13:37Z

Okay ... I am happy to report that the bottle of Neosporin is working. Curse you, Lindsay Lohan. You cannot keep me down for long.

There is gonna be SO much ass-whuppin' in the months ahead ...

My master plans foiled AGAIN!!!

2005-01-01T08:58:54Z

Unhh ... Hard ... to type ... My plans were foiled by an unexpected source ... And now, my poor body is wracked with unspeakable pain. Curse you, fate. Curse you.

All was going to plan. I had taken my perch, hidden high atop Toys R Us in Times Square. I watched with seething hatred as the worthless crowds filtered in for their wretched celebration of the wretched New Year. I spent hours scanning the faces below, determined to find that cursed mutant slug who dared to take my "Foreigner" ticket. Oh, how hard it was to find him amongst those hundreds of thousands of screaming drunken idiots, all wearing those stupid orange clown hats like mindless sheep as they cheered a parade of fools like Tom Green and Regis Philbin! It took all of my willpower to not simply sweep down from my hiding place and begin random executions right there. But I knew I must remain patient to find my prey. So I waited. And waited.

And then I spotted them. That mutant-spawning imbecile, Professor Benton, holding that cursed Zee on his shoulders. Right out there in the open, as if tempting me. Oh, he was disguised, certainly. But did he believe I wouldn't see through those cheesy "2005" shades? HA! I am RUDOLPH! No pathetic disguise shall fool me! I am the master of villainy! I cannot be foiled! And there he was, close to the security barricades -- an easy shot. I swooped down to make my fatal strike.

Unfortunately, this was at the exact moment that Lindsay Lohan was leaving the stage. So I accidentally crashed into members of her entourage. And let me say this: you have no idea just how many people there truly are in Lindsay Lohan's entourage. She has the security force of a small country surrounding her at all times. And the fools thought I was after HER instead of my true quarry.

So before I could say, "No, I don't want your untalented wench," they began beating me. And beating me. They pulled me down, sprayed me with mace and then dragged me off before anyone even knew what was happening. Then they took me to a dark alley of New York far beyond the cameras of Times Square, where they proceeded to smack my bitch up with sticks, bats and copies of Lohan's new CD while Lohan herself stood there screaming "Why can't you just let me /Do the things I wanna do/I just wanna be me/ I don't understand why Would you wanna bring me down?"

I would have nuked them all if I could have gotten a shot off. But like I said, those Lindsay Lohan entourage people don't let you get within 30 feet of that chick. They left me bruised and bloody in a dumpster behind Macy's.

So now my self-esteem is shattered, the mutant slug still lives, and Lindsay Lohan's entourage continues to terrorize the world. Very well, then. You may have won this round, mutant slug. But we shall meet again ... Ow. My back ...

Death approaches ...

2005-01-01T08:33:09Z

It is only hours away now ... My wrath shall be complete as I pour forth nuclear blasts of death down upon that puny slug ... Times Square shall be the location of my great revenge.

Ah, this shall be a glorious day. What could possibly stop me now? I RULE!!! Death COMES for you, Zee! Prapre for your reckoning! I am totally gonna kick your ASS!

Cursed mutant slugs ...

2004-12-31T03:06:03Z

So I just got into a little online tussle with Zee, that cursed mutant slug who serves as a cheap-ass sidekick for Annihilator Bart. The worst cartoon character since Towelie. And you know, it's bad enough that he has to mock my love of showtunes. AND be ugly. But THEN it turns out that Zee is right here in New York. Same as me. AND ... his little punk-ass got in to see "The Foreigner" yesterday.

OH, CRUEL FATE! WHY DOST THOU MOCK ME?!!

I shall crush that little slug. CRUSH him, I tell you. Already I am closing in. For apparently, Zee has his OWN LiveJournal. And little does he know that I followed his cyber-trail right to it. On that very journal, he and the Professor have given away their location: To be in Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Then I shall be there too, little mutant. I shall be there too. Scanning the crowd for your face from my perch above Toys R Us. Preparing for the delightful suffering I shall bring to you. Ah, yes. You shall regret your folly. For if there's one thing you NEVER want to do, it's type your plans into an online forum where your enemy can see it. Criminee.

Aw, dammit ...

2004-12-29T23:05:30Z

SON OF A BITCH!!! As if their announcing that T-Rex is getting torn down isn't bad enough ... I was struck by a horrible, horrible catastrophe today. Something so mind-blowingly bad that I am now sitting at home, quivering like a madman in an effort to mentally recover:

I couldn't get tickets to "The Foreigner" starring Matthew Broderick.

Goddamn tourists! How dare you separate me from going to see my hero Ferris Bueller! Man, I shoulda nuked every one of them. Except that then, you know, they would have called it a massive catastrophe and cancelled every show on Broadway for the night -- and that doesn't get me any closer to seeing "The Foreigner." You'd think that if you're a radioactive mutant reindeer, people would get out of the way to let you go right to the front and buy your ticket. You know ... concerns about irradiation ... heat burns ... fear of glowing reindeer with red noses ... But nope -- New Yorkers apparently fear nothing. I couldn't even butt a few places in line. And I have antlers. Theatregoers from the Bronx just don't take that kind of shit, apparently.

So by the time I reached the box office, "The Foreigner" had sold out, and the only show I could buy tickets to was something called "Dame Edna" and well, let me tell you, there's no way you're going to see Rudolph The Radioactive Reindeer in the audience at a show called Dame Edna. "'Night Mother" was available, too. But I was afraid of having people see me cry.

Man, I totally wanted to go across the street to get T-Rex and have the two of us wait outside of the theatre where "The Foreigner" is, and have T-Rex keep eating theatregoers until there's enough space in the theatre for him and me. Dude, Ferris would be totally cool with that. If we saw him, he'd be like, "How'd you two get in?" And we'd be like "We ate pancreas!" And then he'd tell us we are cool and that T-Rex reminds him of when he made Godzilla, and that I deserve to go out with his wife SJP. That would totally rock.

Curse you, tourists! I will see my Matthew Broderick, one day ...

Ruling the world with T-Rex

2004-12-29T08:40:00Z

HORRIBLE NEWS! They just announced that Toys R Us in Times Square is closing! Have any of you been in there to see the big life-size Tyrannosaurus Rex? How he stands there and roars all day at the kids and tourists while they just casually walk under him to buy Star Wars figures and Rainbow Brite? Christ. What bummer news. And right after Christmas, too. Thus PROVING my argument that Christmas sucks monkey nuts.

So now I've gotta wonder what they're going to do with him. Because man, after two years of standing there entertaining the little shit-lins, T-Rex has gotta just want to break loose and start busting heads.

Wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever? Imagine the last day at Toys R Us. And Rex is getting really antsy, because he knows this is his last chance -- his final opportunity -- to get revenge for all the years of imprisonment and humiliation and boogers wiped off on his feet. Revenge for putting up with flashbulbs and little kids pointing at him and giggling while he lets off his most ferocious roars. Revenge for listening to round-the-clock Toys R Us Muzak for years and years and god-forsaken years.

So on that last day, Rex just shrieks in rage, breaks free from his moorings, and scoops up a bunch of little kids and eats them. Blood and body parts and Pokemon dolls go flying everywhere amid the bloodcurdling screams. And then, with a new lease on life, T-Rex smashes through the front door and tears through Times Square, crushing taxis and stomping over McDonalds and wolfing down every tourist that snaps a digital flashbulb at him. And then I come along, and turn T-Rex into a radioactive mutant, and ride on his back into Washington, D.C. And together we eat Congress and take over the world. Rudolph and T-Rex, the Radioactive Rampagers of Radical-ness. And I tell T-Rex that -- not only can he can dine on all the children he wants from now on -- if he ever develops a taste for Christmas elves from the North Pole, I can totally hook him up.

Dare to dream ...

Christmas sucks donkey dick

2004-12-27T08:30:24Z

I HATE Christmas! Hate it, hate it, hate it! It's been two frickin' days since that holiday. And people still celebrate it like it's a good thing!

Look, people -- it's not. Do you know how many years, how many DECADES I spent hauling that fat prick Santa around? The one who gets praised for bringing goodwill toward men? Bull-pooty. The only thing Santa has to do with Goodwill is that all of his elves have to shop there. Because Santa pays them all sweat-shop wages. Oh, yes, happy holidays, fuckers.

To anyone who thinks that Christmas is good, you can suck my big monkey nuts. And get radiation burns doing it. The next time you want to talk about how wonderful that stupid holiday is, you try hauling around some fat 400-pound jerk who screams "Ho Ho Ho" while eight reindeer tell you to move your glowing ass because there are 1,234,745 houses still to hit before Christmas morning. Oh, yeah, and plus you've got to put up with Donner and Blitzen telling you that staring up your bunghole is turning them on.

I hate all of you. And I'm going to come and kill you, too. Someday. Some great, glorious day.

Merry Christmas.