Reindeer porn
Damn those adult bookstores. They say they have something for everybody. Well, when's the last time you saw reindeer porn? Hmmmm? It's kinda hard for a guy like me to, you know, relax when all I can get is crappy video of you pathetic humans and your mating rituals. Admittedly, the bondage stuff can be all right, but man ... Not a single doe in the mix.

I want to direct my own porno. I'd do a damn better job than those crappy directors you have now. Ol' Jake Steed will be running for his life when Rudolph jumps into the director's chair. My porno would be the first one to feature explosions, mutants and Santa Claus getting sodomized by rabid bears. And then, at the end of the movie, everyone would die. Which means that my movie would have cross-promotional appeal as both a porno and as a "Faces Of Death" flick. Man, why does no one ever contact me about this stuff? I still haven't heard back on my reality TV concept either. Hollywood sucks!