Dogg the Bounty Hunter is soooo overrated. I could totally kick his ass.
You know, there's always been talk of bounty hunters coming after me, what with my ruining Christmas and all. I guess some people were pissed about that. Not that it bothers me. I mean, everyone from Annihilator Bart to the FBI to Russell Crowe attempted to hunt me down, and Bart was the only one who left anything more than a bruise.(Although that Russell Crowe does have a mean left hook.) But I wish Dogg would come after me. Because I would SO open a can of whup-ass on him. (Hope he doesn't bring along that wife of his, though. She's kinda scary.) And you know what? I could do more than just whup him physically. I could kick his ass in TV ratings, too.
That's right -- I want to have my own reality TV show. "Rudolph The Impaler." Each episode, I pick somebody who pisses me off and needs to die. In the first five minutes, I get together with my team to discuss the battle plan. Except that I always work alone, so I kill everyone who's been assembled for said team. Then I fly off to track down my enemy. But first I have to build my weapon of choice, so we visit the set of "Monster Garage." Except that I don't like whatever they build me and kill the designer, then kick Jesse James' ass and tell him he better get his people to do it right next time. (I'd kill JJ too, but we'd need him for the next episode.) So then I fly off and get a hold of said person who I don't like, and carry him/her off to a deserted island where he has to pass "immunity challenges" to see whether he gets an extra day of life or not. For the immunity challenges, we use a jury of Randy, Paula and Simon -- well, except that Simon dies in the first episode, so we bring in Carrot Top. Wait. He'd have to die in the second episode. So it would be a rotating guest judge after that. One who always dies.
Once the target fails the immunity challenge -- which usually involves eating dead bugs or surviving horrible car stunts or watching episodes of "The Benefactor" -- I beat the shit out of him and then nuke him into oblivion with nuclear rays. Then, to end the episode, the producers bring out 15 different chicks who I get to choose from for my companion to go home with and retire. I slaughter all of them except for one, who I present with a black rose. Then I tell her "You're fired!" and I fry her too. And then I beat up Donald Trump.
It's a brilliant formula! Maybe I can pitch it to Discovery Channel. I already tried an agent at Fox, but he laughed at me. So I decapitated him. Now I have a reputation in the business of being, I dunno, hard to work with. You'd think I carry some showbiz clout what with that wretched "Rudolph" holiday special they show every year (where I have the world's most god-awful high-pitched voice, by the way -- what's that shit all about?), but noooooo. Ungrateful bastards.
Still, like I said -- if I can get this one through, I'll totally kick Dogg the Bounty Hunter's ass in the ratings. Man. It's so important to express your creative side through television.